Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Reality...

We interrupt this series with - an abrupt dose of reality…
 
 
Today has not been a good day for me. It started off wrong, with the boys sleeping in (and me sleeping well past my alarm because the house was so silent) and having too much to do in a short space of time. Unfortunately it only seemed to go downhill from there, ending up with a morning that involved several arguments with my hubby and most of my kids.
 
I’m not proud of this morning. As they left for school, the eldest came and gave me a big hug, saying ‘I love you, Mum’. He’s such a sensitive soul, and he could obviously tell all was not well in my head.
 
Truthfully it was a whole lot worse than that. The morning’s activities had left me vulnerable and open to the lies that the devil loves to feed us. I felt like a total failure. Not only could I think about the conversations (or shouting matches) from earlier, but all I had to do with open my eyes and take in the dishes still on the dining room table, the mountains of ironing in my kitchen and the mess of the bedrooms (mine included) to realise that it wasn’t all lies. And that made it even worse.
 
I am a failure. I am not good at time-management, not good at housekeeping and definitely not good at wifey and mummy things at the moment… all things I have known for a while, but things I was content to ‘work on’ as I went along… until they all collided together this morning, making me feel as if my whole life was a waste, worthless and that I was totally unneeded.
 
I just wanted to curl up into a little ball, fall asleep and wake up in glory… but then again I kinda felt as if this morning’s activities and my failure in life in general might actually exclude me from there too… so I was really in a bad way.
 
It reminded me of a song by BarlowGirl called ‘Never Alone’. Take a listen…
 
 
 
 
As I listened to it I felt it resonate in my bones. I had spent the morning crying out to God, but hearing nothing back. I tried shouting, screaming and sobbing my heart out but nothing changed. No great revelation. No great escape. Nothing that made me sit back and say ‘wow’.
 
But at the same time I knew that my wonderful group of friends were praying for me. I knew that God was watching over me, no matter how mad I was or how distant He seemed. One of the lines in the song says
 
‘We cannot separate
You’re part of me
Though you’re invisible
I’ll trust the unseen…’
 
I knew that no matter how low I got and how much I felt like a failure, God had taken this failure and made His home in my heart. He decided that I was good enough. He decided that I was special. He called me to be His.
 
It’s this thought that steadied me. It lifted me out of the pit and placed my feet back on the Rock.
 
I will still struggle – every so often my craziness catches up with me and I hit rock-bottom. I know I have a chemical thing going on (bad post-natal depression that still rears its ugly head every now and again) but I also know that the devil thinks he can get me when it hits and I’m vulnerable… but today I was able to tell him to get lost!!
 
 
Thank you girls for being there to pray for me – you know who you are and I thank God for you. Everyone needs girls who will pray when you ask – and especially when you can’t yourself. God answers prayer in amazing ways – and tonight as I go to bed, I can thank Him that all of my wee family are happily tucked in, knowing that God loves them, and that nice-mummy has returned, ready for another day!
 
Keep shining…

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