Over the past few months I have been a bit quiet - ok so it's more like I've been missing in action!! - on here but in real life I have been on a journey. I wrote a while back that I had felt burnt out, trying to do everything in my own strength and not in His. But added to this I have been struggling to find my way back to the kind of relationship with God that I yearn for. One that's real - in the good times and the bad. One that can take me questioning my very faith and bounce back with abundant grace and love. One that can comfort me through sleepless nights of soul-searching.
One thing that struck me during this journey is that God uses anything and everything to remind us that we are His. For months I couldn't read or pray. I couldn't find the words to confess my sin. I couldn't find the words to ask for help to get my life back the way I wanted it. All I could do was cry and scream and shout at my Father. I lost my way and couldn't seem to find it again in the midst of a sea of pride, control issues and lack of identity. And the scary thing was that this had happened at a relatively quiet time in my life. I didn't have anything to blame it on - no loss of a husband or loved one; no financial problems crippling us; no betrayal or hurtful situation pulling at me. There was no outward reason for my battle - just an inward fight for control and an inward battle for my soul.
But what I could do in the midst of crying, was listen to music. I tried to shun all the Christian music at the start, listening to all the 'secular' tunes on my iPad, but that ended up with me finding messages in tunes like 'Firework' by Katy Perry or 'We made it' by Busta Rhymes (feat. Linkin Park).... So I reopened myself to whatever music came on and just listened as God talked to me, reminded me of exactly what He'd done for me and how much He loved me.
Over the next few weeks I'm going to share some of the music that I listened to, hoping that even if you are at a stage where you can't read, pray or don't even want to think about going to church, that you can start by hearing His words in song, and remembering that the King of Kings and Lord of all creation loves you.
Personally for me, the journey is still ongoing and while some parts of my life are going well - I'm reading and praying again - some need a little more time - like going back to church and opening myself up to true fellowship with other believers. But it's getting there in His strength and I pray that the music will encourage us all.