This is a wee note from your future self wanting to let you know everything is going to be ok. At the moment you are struggling. I can see it in your eyes as you stare back at me in the mirror. I can see it in the way you justify everything to yourself - how you manage to keep going while everything inside you dies is amazing and you deserve to see that.
Right now you are going through what will be one of the darkest times in your life. You are a pregnant woman with a toddler - and with that comes emotional turmoil as it is, but you are panicking because there is a darkness inside you.
You think you are crazy. You think you can't cope with being a mother. You think you would be better off dead. But you'd be wrong. So very wrong.
That husband you love, fight with and then love again, will still love you and cherish you 12 years down the line...
That little boy who you are tucking into bed and snuggling with each night is going to turn into a wonderful teenager who loves God and is an amazingly polite young man...
That baby you carry will turn into one of the kindest and most thoughtful of boys and will make you proud every single day...
And then there are the two little twinkles in your eye that you haven't even - can't even - consider yet. Oh Tanya - they are so handsome and such good boys...
Yes - you are going to end up with four amazing sons who you love with all your heart and would do anything for. The best four gifts ever.
I know it's still hurts right now. And it still overwhelms you. And I know you just want the pain to stop.
But there's a way that is far better than anything you are thinking. God has you in His hand and trust me when I tell you He always will do. He has come through for us time after time after time and He never leaves us or makes us feel unworthy.
He gives and gives and gives again. He lifts us up so many times and truly does carry us on eagles wings. We love Him more now and understand His love for us so much better but we still fail Him sometimes.
But we are learning. And as we learn we grow to be more like Him.
Life is good. Now (for me) you have a great job, a wonderful family and amazing friends. And guess what - you made it out the other side of that darkness with a huge smile on your face.
So I want you to remember who you are. You are the daughter of the King of Kings. You are a child of God. You are beautiful, brave, loving, cheerful, caring, encouraging and unique. And God loves you more than ever.
Your body is not your own - it was bought for a price on the tree of Calvary. You can do this - you just need to trust in Him and let Him take control. He will carry you through.
You are amazing. And I'm so glad to be you.
Loving you as God does