Monday, 15 May 2017

Living in the past...

Oh boy - today's prompt is a big one and it's taken me all day to think what I'd write. 

A past moment that left me feeling powerless or afraid …

How can I let go of that limiting past experience based on what I now know?


Wow! This is hard! But here goes... 


9 years ago I was pregnant with my fourth, and youngest, son. During the pregnancy I'd suffered badly with Post Natal Depression - yep, turns out you can get it while pregnant - and I ended up having to take medication for the last 3 months. I was obviously worried as to any effect it would have on my baby but ultimately I needed it. So I took it. 


Fast forward to my delivery. It was my fourth c-section so it was planned and everything went very smoothly. We didn't know what we were having so it was exciting and I couldn't wait to meet the most active baby I'd carried. 


The day came and our popped Micah. Only it was different from each of my other births. 


Micah didn't cry. 


He didn't make any sound at all. 


And when they gave him to Alan to hold, he wasn't breathing properly. 


He was very quickly taken off us and taken up to the Neo-natal intensive care unit, where we discovered he had fluid in his lungs and when he figured out how to breathe, he couldn't then figure out how to keep breathing if you tried to give him any milk. 


It was an interesting time. I was sitting in the maternity ward with no baby, and wasn't even able to go up to see him til warly the next morning - 24 hours after he was born. 


This was definitely a time when I've felt the most powerless and afraid. I literally could do nothing as my son was given oxygen to help him breathe and taken away up the stairs. 


All the while I was outwardly confident that God had my wee man and that he would be fine. 


Inwardly I blamed myself for being on medication and was convinced that this was my fault. 


That's quite a burden to put on yourself. And even now, as my son is almost 9, I find myself spoiling him rotten, babying him way more than any of the others and letting him away with everything - because part of me still thinks it's my fault. 


Micah is a wonderful boy and I love him to bits - and I know that God has every day of his life planned out for him and that nothing I did had anything to do with his birth or any problems he has now. 


Easy to say. Easier to write. Much much harder to believe. 


And so to the second part of our prompt for today... 


How can I let go of that limiting past experience based on what I now know?


I know that I need to start to treat Micah  the same way I treat the other boys, helping him to grow up into the man of God that I know he can be. But to do that I need to let go of the past events of his birth, and focus on building him up to be a great man instead of the baby who couldn't breathe. 


This is so hard. It is so much harder than anything else. Every time I look at him I see that baby. 


But it's not helping him at all. I let him away with not doing his homework because he's tired. Or let him away with playing his tablet more than he should because he smiles at me. 


And the boys notice it. 

And I truly hate that. 


I hate that they think I love him more - because I truly don't. I just nearly lost him. It doesn't make him more special than any of them, but it does make me baby Micah more. And I can see why they think what they do. 


So it has to stop. And it has to stop now. 


I can see that I am literally ruining him for the future life he may have, and I need to give him back to God - wow... 


Do you ever get when you write something and realise what you actually mean... 


I have taken Micah and even though I have thanked God for him countless times, I've kept him to myself, never releasing him back to our Heavenly Father. 


And so as I sit and write this, I give my son back to God - knowing that He will help me to be the best mum I can be, not only to Micah but to all the boys, and helping him become the best he can be. God loves him so much more than I ever could. And He has greater plans for his life than I could ever dream of. 


Ok - so I'm now slightly traumatised!! That's what you get for exploring your thoughts!!! 


I hope if you are following along you can get the same sense of 'wow' moment that I did tonight. 

Keep shining xx 



2 comments:

  1. Wow!!

    Wish I had the same courage, as you do.

    I will be praying for Yourself and Micah.

    ReplyDelete